12/24/2007

Twas the night before Christmas and it was 75 degrees.......Yes its going to be a good Christmas indeed.

Everyday Im Hustlin

Yep, thats right 3 days in a row working out! I'm not seeing any results yet, maybe I should call Roger Clemens and get some pointers!

Cheater, Cheater, Pants on Fire!

The Mitchell report came out today and tons of major leaguers have been reported to have used performance enhancing drugs. My questions is why is everyone so scared to test baseball players? Take a page out of the world of cycling, arguably the most tested athletes in the world. Bud Selig thinks that having summit meetings will correct the problem, fire him and hire someone with some stones. Randomly test the players often if they test positive send them over to japan to play Mr. Baseball. The fans should shun the players, I could care less about watching a pitcher that can play and collect social security at the same time. Its crap, and don't blame the trainers, when someone get a DUI does it make sense to blame the Bar Tender? Its crap I tell you! Hey players own up and grow some stones and come clean and hey Bonds you SUCK! Oh yeah I and I am tired of Bozo's on ESPN saying would they so strongly oppose the accusations if it were not false. That's the worst argument, because some one who is lying has a lot more to lose that someone who is honest, the guys on ESPN should take lessons from Nancy Grace.

Peer Presure

FYI I will fill this out but I will not send it to any one the chain is broken, I guess Bill Gates wont share any of his money with me, or Ill be a bad lover, or something bad is going to happen to me......

5 Things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Starting the only vertical growth spurt of my life.
2. Watching Skate Videos.
3. Riding the Glendale Bee line to the Mall.
4. Liking Asian Girls
5. Starting Water Polo

5 Things on my to-do list today
1. Dishes or 3 loads of Laundry (wife's orders)
2. Chill with my mom while Whit has Surgery, in the SLC
3. Shower (Done)
4. Watch the hours of tattoo shows I have on DVR.
5. Clean out the Subaru

5 Snacks I enjoy
1. Goldfish Crackers & Ruby Red Squirt
2. Gingersnaps
3. String Cheese
4. Churros (Costco only)
5. Dried Mangos

5 Things I would do if I were a Billionaire
1. Buy a House and put my Dad in a home when he got old and crazy (which is like next year)
2. Wipe away all of my families debt.
3. Buy Toys aka Cars
4. Let the Wife do whatever she wanted
5. Get a personal Chef and Travel

3 of my bad habits:
1. Sarcasm
2. Biting my nails
3. Sleeping in.

5 places I have lived
1. Glendale
2. Nashville
3. Paris TN
4. Paducah KY
5. Provo

5 Jobs I’ve had
1. Slave boy / Courier
2. Lifeguard
3. Hot Dog On A Stick (all time low)
4. Tour Guide
5. Mentor

5 Things people probably don’t know about me
Most people know most things about me...sorry!
1. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
2. I hate body odor and go through 1 stick of deodorant ever 2 weeks.
3. I can pick up a tennis ball with my toes.
4. I once was a greaser.
5. Before I had back surgery I was the master of doing the worm.

The Tale of The 4am Fools Sale, Starring the The Two Class Broads

If I were a pilot, this morning I would have earned my wings, or stripes or bars or gold stars or whatever you want to call them. My wife woke me up at 3:15am to go to Kohls, had I known what a treat it was going to be I may have been more positive on the ride up. When we arrived, there were hundreds of people lined up outside the store and it was about 29 degrees. As I stood there shivering I realized my type (men that had been suckered by there wives) were a rarity, replaced by overdressed and over peppy (for 4am) daughters. As I stood there freezing I decided to set up shop nearest the door that would allow me the straightest shot to the sheets we desperately sought. The women near me were foaming at the mouth waiting for the doors to open, I felt like I was about to be a part of a free crack give away in South Central Los Angeles.
The next thing I knew the door opened and yes I mean door, the door I had not chosen. My band luck quickly turned to good fortune as I was left standing next to two very classy broads while hordes of people looted the store like the Riots of 92. I stood at the door I had chosen hoping someone would open it up and I could grab my sheets are return home to tuck myself into them and continue my sleeping. But the two classy broads next to me had a different idea, apparently one thought if she chain-smoked at 4am the doors would magically open up like they did for Ali Baba, While the other thought if she pounded the door and shouted "Open the door you DIPSH*TS" over and over again her fellow shoppers would have pity on here souls and open the door. As it turns out they didn't, Surprise! Such a sight for 4am, the two classy broads were easily the highlight of the morning because Kohls did not have the sheets we wanted in stock but the salt to my early morning wound was that if the sheets were in stock they wouldn't even have been on sale. Valeri, now you know how much I love you, yeeeeeshk!

Under Armour, Lycra, Spandex, Oh My!

This is a public service announcement: Under Armor, Lycra and Spandex should only be worn by the athletes at the sporting event you are attending and should never touch your body unless you are on the field. Thank you.

Penny Denny Doo

So what’s manlier than a little white fluffy dog? I submit to you it’s a white fluffy dog that thinks she is Scooby Doo. That’s right Penny Doo the investigator. Whenever a sound is made in the house Penny needs to investigate; for example, the oven goes off and guess who comes arunning: it's Penny. I half expect her to throw on some little hot mitts and pull out whatever is baking. This is the same dog that must investigate every square inch of the yard before she goes to the bathroom. Any day I am expecting Valeri to drive up in a Neon Green and Purple van to drive us around in. I guess it makes me Shaggy and Valeri the hot chick in Scooby Doo. Well, it’s off to the next adventure.

Warning....

The CDC has that reported two new strains of Hepatitis have been found and this is just after screening New York and Here Std infested suitors. Personally, I was unaware there were some many classy gentlemen left in the world and that they were able to corral them into one place to fight for such a classy woman like vultures for rotting flesh. But what amazes even more is that is makes such great television, can you say Emmy nomination.

New York Showing Everyone How Much Class She Has

Just Add Water...

Street Credibility is obtained three ways if you are black:
1.Be shot several times, and release a record shortly there after.
2.Have ties to Shug Knight and Death Row Records.
3.Play a professional sport, especially Football.
And if you are White street credibility is obtained two ways:
1.Being Justin Timberlake.
2.Being the white kid that is on the And One Basketball Tour.

Demographics...

What is worse than your wife making you watch Sex and the City with her? I know this is a question asked by 95 percent of married men. Well, the answer is having to watch the tampon and yeast infection commercials broadcast during each episode. Honestly, after two episodes I now know 7 different ways to treat a yeast infection and am up to date on all the "breakthroughs" in the world of feminine hygiene products. What a lucky man I am. I don't know how I was able to survive the 12 hours of my day leading up to our Sex and the City watching session without knowing such wonderful tidbits of information.

Greg Louganis...

Why do two men feel it is okay to ride on a motorcycle together? Especially crotchrockets? That's two strikes at once. And if you see two dudes on a crotchrocket wearing turtlenecks with yogurt and kitty litter in a grocery bag, run the other way because they will try to recruit you to play dance dance revolution Barbra Streisand edition.

Lord of the Rings

Being out and about I have noticed many people are confused about how to wear rings. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to declare the rules for ring wearing. The rules are as follows: One ring, the exception being if you are married and have won some type of championship (just remember high school championship rings are reserved for high school and no time there after). However if you have won multiple championships you can wear all of your rings only if you are being photographed by ESPN or SI. Moving right along, rings are never to be worn outside of the ring fingers, hence the name rings and not "thumbs," "pointers" or "tall mans." Also pinky rings are reserved as props for mafia movies not for wannabe gangsters who think they are the next Don Carlion. The only people that wear more than 2 rings are gypsies and pimps. Neither of which are the upper crust of society (no offense to my homies ICE-T and Don Magic Juan).

P.S. Toe rings, should never be worn period, male or female, period.

10 Things I Hate About byU: Part 1.5

6. I hate you sandals man! Dont get me wrong, being a Southern
California native I have a soft spot in my heart for flip flops which
are the only legitimate form of sandals. However like everything
there is a time and a place for sandals. they are not to be worn when
the temp drops below 75 and should never be worn to lift weights
especially at the Golds Gym on 9th East. If you would like to wear
sandals and board shorts go to the beach, don't try to be a cool
"surfer dude" when the nearest body of water is the botany pond on 8th
north! Come on! i hope you freeze your toes and drop weights on them!
airwalk/dr marten sandals must go! please retire them! they are not
cool! In the middle East they have weapons exchanges where you
exchange your guns for money, food, etc... well we should start a
program where one can bring in their dr. marten/airwalk sandals and
exchange them in return for an ounce of coolness.
7. I understand that when you are cool the sun never sets, then why
are so many people still wearing sunglasses on campus in the middle of
winter? I am amazed! Now i do understand that the Matrix movies have
gained world-wide fame, NEO is the only ONE allowed to wear
sunglasses 24/7! What has the world come to if we are representing
Keanu Reeves in our own everyday attire? There is no need for this!
sunglasses are not designed to be used when there is an obvious lack
of sun outside and If there is any question as to what is an obvious
amount of sun, dont wear them, it is better to error on the side a
good fashion sense. I dont care if you can do a killer ray Charles or
Stevie wonder impression leave the sunglasses at home! do it, trust
me, it can only help your image! If you wear sunglasses you will fail
in life, Just look at Jose Conseco!
8. I cant stand Nerd Weddings! Why is it that whenever i go over to
someones apartment there is always a Nerd Invitation stuck on the
fridge! Why is it that when ever i am annoyed by someone or am amazed
that an individual is a an 11 nerd scale (10 being Screech Powers,
Steve Erkel) that I look at their hand only to see a wedding ring? Why
is that? Perhaps Nerd weddings are an anomaly, like where is noah's
ark, big foot, Tupac's death or why the toilet water spins opposite
below the equator, all unanswered yet so amazing. Any university
knows they have a problem when the physics department has the highest
marriage rate on campus, and this is a campus with a MFHD degree, come
on. Perhaps a bulletin has gone out on the nerd underground railroad,
and they are now flocking to BYU with the promise of marriage, How
does this happen what is our world coming to? Is this a result of our
nerd reparations, for so long they were ostracized and mocked that now
they are owed a wife and envied by normal people on campus? i am at a
loss for words.

Rules To Live By

Well boys and girls here it is, after weeks of stewing here is another installment of ramblings.
1. Do not Limo tint a car that cost less than $30,000 dollars. Whats the purpose? If you were really that important to the point of requiring a limo tint, it would come with a limo and PS color tints (red, yellow) are never acceptable.
2. Rims should never cost more than your car! If you're car is paid off and your still making payments on your rims its a problem.
3. If you can fit your fist or a grapefruit in your exhaust pipe its too big.
4. If you think you can paste you rear window full of Hawaiian Surfing sticker because you did a semester abroad at BYU Hawaii, you are wrong. Please remove them as soon as possible.
5. Learn how to merge, its that simple.
6. You know what they say about turn signals in Utah: if it's on, it was on when they bought the car.
7. Your 4-cylinder Honda civic does not need an aftermarket wing bolted on the trunk that looks like it was borrowed from the space shuttle.
8. Changing some tail lights is not customizing your car.
9. If you spend 30,000 fixing up your sweet Honda Civic.......Its still a Honda Civic.

10 Things I Hate About byU: Part 1

10 things I hate about byU

1. I hate that guy! you know that guy, the one in your class who is
chalked full of self proclaimed important comments that he feels
obligated to say just loud enough for the 5 people around him to hear,
while shouting out every 5th or 6th for the entire class to hear,
that guy that some how you always end up sitting behind or in front
of....wow i hate that guy. especially in marriage prep class, its like
buddy shut up save your comments for homosexual day they i am sure you
will have tons of personal insights.
2. I hate Fliers! Hate 'em I hate 'em I hate 'em. Perhaps the least
productive method of advertising in my opinion, if you want to
advertise with fliers perhaps you should put your advertisement on the
trash can because that's a persons next stop after you hand them your
cute little flier, it is just as easy if not easier for you to put
the flier in trash insted of making me do it cut out the middle man
throw them away yourself! my solution to the problem is if there
must be fliers, which is up there with if ther must be prostitution or
world hunger or comminuism or murderers, then hand out blank ones and
put your advertisements on the trashcans, i would say recycle cans but
those pretty much don't exist here and that's a whole different topic.
3. I hate interpretive dance and the color guard. Both of which are
designed solely for the purpose of allowing people with very little
skill and rhythm a chance to perform, and these are the people who
exactly should not be given that right. another requirement for color
guard is having a BMI above that of what is considered average.
Interpretive dance/modern dance call it what you want there are so
many names, here are a few i have come up with retarded, talentless,
and just plain stupid. If i want to see people dressed as
construction workers ill go to a construction site, when will these
people learn, you're not a flag pole or a car you're a fat chick
dancing with those stupid black pants with the cut off sweats over
them.
4. I hate the front tuck! the last time i checked BYU was not ranked
#1 by the Princeton Review for having the most Rodeo Champions on its
campus, so why must we show off our lame belt buckles? why why why it
hurts my brain to think about it! no one wants to see your hurley or
abercrombie belt buckle that you bought at (as ironic as it sounds)
The Buckle. Do we feel the need to show of our crotches? Who ever
created this and supports it should have their belt buckle removed
beat with it and then hung using the same belt they wanted to show off.
5. I hate hair! (In this topic i include all aspects of "hair", the
bleach top, the Faux Hawk, The "I am 23 and wasn't bald before my
mission comb over," etc...) Hey ladies sorry to break the news to you
but every day is not prom! Last time I checked the activities
calendar homecoming (which would be the only legitimate excuse for
this hair, and even once year it makes me want to vomit) Then why do I
see this hair day in and day out. I do realize there are allot of
seagulls in the salt lake valley, but why must the women of byu
provide them nests? I just read the PETA website and they love us.
Last year i actually asked for a booster seat (not because i am short,
which i am..well more like average) in my class in order to see over
Mary Tyler Moore who was seated in front of me. Now we have the male
equivalent and that would be the "Fauxhawk" It seems as though
anything that is hip arrives in Utah about 2 years late and stays
about 5 years to long. In fact the other day I saw a guy with a
"Front Tuck," and a bleached fauxhawk riding a razor scooter, and his
name was 1995.

A Little Trip To The Office....

This last week I took a little trip to see the dentist. It was time for my 6 month cleaning which ended actually ended up being more like an 8 month check up. So about 1 month ago I decided I would avoid the awkward scolding from the dentist about not flossing, and I started flossing. Guess what, it worked and I passed with flying colors, that's right son and with 1 month of solid flossing under my belt it has become a habit! I may have been able to master the one thing that is harder than stopping smoking and I feel like my deceit is actually going to benefit me in the long run. So with a clean mouth and 1 area to watch what did I do, I went out and got a diet coke. I thought I could hear my newly cleaned teeth calling me a bastard, but such is life. Bottom line there is nothing like awkward conversation with someone who is wrist deep in your mouth and then asks you questions about things they know you didn't do (i know you didn't floss but I'll ask anyway).

Often Imitated, Never Duplicated

As is with most successful ventures in Provo, Cafe Rio has been copied by several individuals and knock off are popping up left and right. I would like to set the record straight and declare Cafe Rio's dominance over Costa Vida, Bajio, Costa Azul and any others out there I have failed mentioned. These restaurants are the Western Family version of Cafe Rio and should not be supported! This is clearly not a case where the Student has become the Teacher, Because Cafe Rio is the Albert Einstein of the assembly line Mexican food restaurants. Those of you out there that disagree with statement above you need to repent and have your tongue checked out because your taste buds maybe damaged. Just remember that anything that is to Cafe Rio is Just a Half A$$ Cafe Rio!

BYU v TULSA.....

I am tired of reading reports on how the Teams are preparing for the upcoming game this weekend, Therefore I have taken I upon myself to report how the fans are preparing for the upcoming game.

BYU fan: Find a babysitter for the weekend for your 7 kids.
Tulsa fan: Attempt to figure out why your kids have 7 fingers on each hand?

BYU fan: Dust off 1984 championship cap and t-shirt for the game.
Tulsa Fan: Dust off 50th anniversary John Deere hat for the game.

BYU Fan: Figure out which wife you are going to take to the game with you.
Tulsa Fan: Figure out which cousin will be your date to the game?

BYU Fan: Determine which shade of eyeliner matches your high heels that you’re wearing to the game.
Tulsa Fan: Determine which belt buckle opens beer bottles best for the game.

BYU Fan: Practice booing every dropped pass because you think its Pass Interference.
Tulsa Fan: Practice spilling beer and spitting on opposing teams fans.

BYU Fan: Actually learn words to Cougar Fight Song, because words wont be displayed at away game.
Tulsa: Finish learning words to Cotton Eye Joe for half time show.

USC v Nebraska

USC and Nebraska are playing tomorrow, therefore I feel it is my duty to outline what each teams fans are doing to prepare for the game:

USC Fan: Drive luxury motor home to the game for tailgate party.
Nebraska Fan: Tow Mobile Home to the game for tailgate party.

USC Fan: Use Dad's Airline miles to fly to the game.
Nebraska Fan: Drive Dad's 1984 ford farm truck to the game.

USC Fan: Dry Clean frat sweater in preparation for game.
Nebraska Fan: Search for cleanest sleeveless T-shirt void of chew stains to wear to the game.

USC Fan: Take time off trying to be seen in the background of an episode of the Hills.
Nebraska Fan: Take time off trying to become the second coming of Green Acres

USC Fan: Outfit girlfriend with a chastity belt, so she will not cheat while you are away.
Nebraska Fan: Get DNA test to verify baby’s mother is not his cousin.

USC Fan: Buy Zima, Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice and Bocca burgers for the tailgate party.
Nebraska Fan: Fire up the Moonshine still to make White Lightening 100 proof, and slaughter a steer for steak at the tail gate.

Update

For an update on whats been goin on in my life check out the wife's blog, she's the brains of the operation (everyone loves an English major) while I am the personality(or at least she lets me think so).

U.S. AMERICANS?

Perhaps the greatest television moment of 2007 took place this past week at the expense of Miss Teen South Carolina. During the question and answer portion of the pageant Miss Teen South Carolina was asked a question about Americans not being able to locate their own country on a map. Perhaps she thought a stupid question deserved an even stupider answer. What followed was a moment rarely seen on national television, typically reserved for frat houses where drunken unintelligible ramblings are common. Referring to the United States as "U.S. America" and its citizens as "U.S. Americans," Iraq as "The Iraq," just throw in a few "such as's," "therefores," and "as is's" and you have created perhaps the greatest answer ever. Miss Teen South Carolina also says that most Americans don't have access to maps; well she better hope so, or U.S. Americans are going to drive to her state and mock her to the degree she deserves. Miss Teen South Carolina has set a world's first as being the only person for whom NBC has asked Ozzy Osbourne to interpret. Is public school funding in South Carolina so sparse that they have been forced to remove English classes from their curriculum? But hey on the upside at least she is pretty because that is her only chance for succeeding in life. In the end I would like to thank Miss Teen South Carolina for personifying the stereotypes: blondes really are dumb and girls who enter pageants are pretty and stupid. Thank you. You have single-handedly set back pageants contestants 20 years, which is exactly where they belong because what they do is a joke.

Dog Norris?

Dog The Bounty Hunter is the personification of all Chuck Norris's fictional characters. Watching Dog The Bounty Hunter is like watching a real life episode of Walker Texas Ranger.

Similarities include, cowboy boots, dreamy hair, life changing talks with criminals, tight jeans and a sidekick that does all the dirty work. The question I pose is, Will Dog The Bounty Hunter one day pass Chuck Norris on the manliness scale? Is such a feat possible?

UFC......

Lately I have found myself obsessed with Ultimate Fighting or MMA. I can't turn the televison on without coming across it. UFC has become to Versus what "I love the 80's" and "8th Mile" are to Vh1, or what Sports Center is to ESPN. It's on all the freakin time and the worst part is I can't change the channel. It is like a really bad car wreck that you want to look away from but can't, therefore I end up watching it for hours. For me, Ultimate Fighting has become the new televised poker tournament: I get sucked in and hours later, I'm left wondering where my day has gone. Watching UFC is like going to a Prince concert: both are homoerotic to the max. One just has two scantily clad men beating the hell out of each other while rolling around on the floor while the other has one scantily clad man (sort of) writhing around on stage. I know it's trashy, but there is some primal man-trance I slip into when I watch Ultimate Fighting that speaks to my inner redneck.

The Unwritten Code.....

Today while out to dinner with my wife I used the men's restroom. It was a nice men's room, 3 urinals and 2 toilets a typical setup. I stepped up to the urinal closest to the wall and felt I had made the right decision when a gentlemen came in restroom and used the urinal directly next to me. Why? Who would do such a thing? As most men know there is an unwritten code pertaining to Men's restrooms and for those of you who don't, listen up!
1. No talking! No talking means no talking. There is to be no discussion in the men's room regardless, it doesn't matter if you reunite with a long lost friend or meet your idol. Don't talk in the Men's room, period.
2. When selecting a urinal never select one directly next to another individual that using a urinal. If there are 2 people using a 3 urinal setup and the middle is open don't use it opt for a toilet, or if someone has setup shop in the middle urinal use a toilet.
3. When using a urinal stare down or straight ahead, no looking to the side it is wrong and will everyone to think you are a pervert. And if you happen to break this rule don't talk just realize your mistake and correct it.
4. Flush the toilet or urinal. No one cares to see how dehydrated you are or what you ate the previous day.

Here is a Link to help drive my points home, It is a game in which you learn the art of selecting the proper urinal in a busy bathroom. Urinal Game

Fantasy Geeks

What has happened to America, two of the most awaited movie releases this summer were based on comic books, Toby McGuire was a superhero and sports fans nationwide have resorted to fantasy. Why? Fantasy is reserved for teenage boys that are "husky" and get picked last in PE for kickball, or grown men who will never be married and look like they should be having a conversation with Chris Hansen in a suburban Ohio kitchen on To Catch A Predator. Fantasy sports are just slightly above War Craft, Dungeons & Dragons and other Nerd Fantasy Games. With a name like fantasy football do participants receive bonus points when members of their team cast spells on other players or grow magical beards? When you sign up do you receive a magical wand in the mail (licensed by the NFL of course). Why do I constantly see commercials about fantasy sports on Television, what is going on? Is J K Rowling to blame? Did she lay the foundation to the perversion of the American jock by exposing the world to fantasy "but it is a cute book and it reads so fast." NERDS! Don't participate in fantasy sports or you will find yourself with a fantasy girlfriend raising your fantasy gigipet. Give me beer and Truck commercials on ESPN not fantasy be careful how you chose your commissioner commercials. Question does the fantasy commissioner receive a complementary "King of the nerds" t-shirt?

Rubber Justice.....

All you dog lovers out there I assume are in the same boat as myself, the USS Disgust with thousands of pounds of dog crap heading towards Michael Vick House (hopefully his cell soon) I am completely disgusted with Michael Vick for his participation in dog fighting and cruelty to animals. I was unaware he was Afghanistani where dog fighting is extremely popular, Idea if he wants to dog fight send him to the middle east we don't need him here anymore. I am amazed that he would treat dogs in such a manner because after watching his actions both on and off the field I thought he was a female dog, a B*** or at least he acts like one. Well, a wonderful person out there has come up with a Michael Vick Chew Toy (www.vickdogchewtoy.com) in which the proceeds go to help stop animal cruelty. I would get no greater satisfaction than watching my dog chew off good old number 7's head (if my dog were big and strong enough). Honestly words cannot even explain how disgusted I am with this guy. All I can say in between Mike Vick and Flavor Flav black people have been set back 50 years.

Ramblings.......

Here are a few things I feel strongly about.
1. Movie Theatre Clappers. Why must you clap at the end of a movie? Who are you clapping for? The actors are not going to make a curtain call. Should we have the pimple faced 17 year old come out who ran the projector so you can clap for him? Or Can we dangle the actual film in front of the screen to accept your applause? New idea, don't clap! Instead tell your friends how much you like the movie so they will go see it also.
2. Coffee Smell of 7 Eleven. I cannot go in that place without smelling like coffee for the entire day! I leave 7 Eleven every time with a complementary caffeine buzz via inhalation.
3. People who play their music loud while driving. I don't care to listen to Limp Bizkit, therefore I am not riding in your lifted 4x4 truck. Or did miss the official declaration making Mexican polka music cool? Man where have I been? What I love most is the rattling of your license plate drowning out your music caused by your excessive bass.
4. People Who Park Too Close to Your Car. Bottom line don't do it. If you park to close to my car, I will spit on your windshield every time!

5. Popped Collars. Why are people out there still popping their collars? Just because the mannequins collars are popped at the Buckle and Hollister does not mean it is actually a good fashion decision. Just a warning if you pop your collar you will be mocked and people may mistake your for a douchebag just look at these guys.

LA Stink!

As a fan of the crew on Miami Ink, I was very excited to see Kat Von D's show LA Ink. After watching the first two episodes I am ready to give up on the show all together. The show follows the extremely talented tattoo artist Kat Von D after her departure (firing) from Miami Ink as she goes about starting her own shop and recruiting artist to work with her. Here are the reasons why I feel this show stinks!
1. Every episode Kat Von D feels the need to tattoo a celebrity, this is too LA for me. If we want to see B-List jackasses doing things they will one day regret we can watch movies of Lindsey Lohan snorting coke off the bathroom floor of clubs in Hollywood on TMZ.com I don't need to see a drunken Steve-O talk about getting a tattoo for 20 mins and 2 mins of the actual tattoo.
2. I don't feel sorry for you, the first episode opened up with a montage explaining her situation and made it sound as though she chose to move back to LA and open up a shop, when in truth she is a pre-madona that caused drama at her last shop. Its no surprise that her shop is not ready.
3. I don't care how much fun its going to be to work with the artist you will have in your estrogen packed shop. If I want sappy women having fun I'll read a Marry Higgins Clark book or watch Sex In The City. You are a tattoo artist in pretty much every language means Bad Ass not fun time with the girls.
4. The intro to the show sucks, plain and simple. Dancing with yourself? really? Perhaps that's what you will do when your series is canceled.
5. Kat Von D is indecisive, she can't stand up to anyone and plays the victim role, I thought this was a reality show no actors involved.
6. Fewer interviews, there is no need to have 10 minute soliloquies about your life and struggles you are going through!
My adive is shut up and tattoo that is what makes good TV!

ROXY = FOXY?

I submit that if it were not for The Quiksliver subsidiary ROXY that girls from the states of California, Utah, Idaho and Texas would not know how to accessorize their vehicles. If I had a quarter for every girl I have seen from one from of the afore listed states driving a car with ROXY sticker on the rear window I would have enough money to buy an endless supply of $20 dollar puka shell necklaces from Hollister. Do Girls think it is a rite of passage? "Once I get my ROXY sticker I'll become a hot surfer girl," wrong! And does a ROXY sticker paired with a lei hanging from the rearview mirror equal hotness time two? NO! Where has this idealogy come from? I never saw Gidget driving her woody around with a ROXY sticker slapped on the back of it or perhaps these stickers are laced with a magical potion I call self esteem. Bottom line say NO TO ROXY STICKERS! Any single men out there, boycott girls with ROXY stickers on their cars.

Bringing sexy back

So one year ago I had an accident with a little body part I like to call my spine. I went on the most expensive wake boarding trip in my life, 1 year and about $3000 dollars later my back it still giving me problems. It all started having to one up a friend, well as it turns out I won because he didn't herniate any thing in his back. Surgery came in Feb and then it felt great until 1 month ago, when my leg and foot started going numb. This resulted in my 3rd MRI in a year, and lo and behold the nerve root is inflamed. So its off to physical therapy and another back injection. Now its limbo time waiting the steriods to kick in and relieve the pressure on the nerve and the pain to go away. I think Ill start lifting weights as I am all jacked up on the clear, all this balco in my system, I hope my head doesn't grow to 6 times its normal size. Since Select Med and the Doctors have done their part I feel it is my part. So in the words of J.T. I am gonna bring sexy back! Thats right tomorrow I am starting a full court press on my health and its on, I can hear the weight crying as it knows it will loose its home soon!

POUR SOME OUT FOR YOUR DEAD HOMIES....

Friday marked a dark day for American cycling fans. It was announced that the current Team Discovery cycling team was unable to find a sponsor and will be disbanding. 8 Tour titles in 9 year and no one will step up as a sponsor? Come on Google is 15 million to much to ask being that you have 18 billion dollars lying around, or Where is Steve Jobs? My answer is these men are communist....

Who Killed Santa?

What is happening in sports these days? Barry Bonds who just broke the most coveted record in American history uses steroids, Two teams and the race leader of the Tour de France were kicked out of the race for failing drug tests and cheating. And the worst part is t these cowards don’t have the stones to admit they cheated, I think very little of Jose Conseco but at least he can admit and be a man about cheating. Intregrity has been removed from the sporting world and replaced by greed.

I feel betrayed as a fan, especially a fan of cycling. When Alexander Vinokoruv crashed the first week of the Tour De France everyone thought he was done, he lost tons of time and gained over 60 stitches. Then when he won a time trial everyone thought it was amazing, later that week he won a mountain stage where he went on a solo breakaway. Two days later he tested positive for blood doping. Its betrayal to the fans, look at the men as super-human figures that have the ability to bounce back. We want to see amazing comebacks and believe a man with 60 stitches in his knees and arms can drop and pack of world-class competitors, or a man in his late 30’s can hit 756 homeruns. When they cheat it cheapens sports and crushes fans such as myself. It is much like finding out Santa is not real, but a cheater.

Shark Week.........

To quote the wise Gilbert Arenas,
There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”

Wedding Websites.........NERD!

I understand the benefits of technology but must they be applied to all facets of life? By this I mean wedding websites.........Wow has the traditional invite become outdated? Did I miss the memo? Was it given via secret sign by Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner? Seriously, wedding sites make me sick. I do not need to see all of the pictures you pulled off of your myspace account, the world does not care that you ate Chinese on your 8 month anniversary. But the kicker are the captions, written in the first person and chalked full of inside jokes. I have an Idea, typically an engagement is a time for the couple to grow together and prepare for marriage. Honestly nerds spend your time reorganizing your Lord of the Rings figurines not creating one of the most regrettable websites in history. What is wrong with people. Send out an invite not an email.

Football Fans....

Yet another football season is upon us and changes must be made before the season, not with the players but with the fans. Therefore, I propose the Football Proficiency Exam (FPE) and the Anti "Dress-Up" Code. The FPE will require basic knowledge of appropriate times to cheer (not when you team is trying to call a play), offense, defense and penalties (every dropped ball doesn't result in a PI). Only after passing the FPE will one be allowed to purchase football tickets; midway through the season, an advanced exam will be given to test one's understanding of appropriate game attire, otherwise known as the Anti "Dress-Up" Code. Last time I checked, it is not the Lavell Edwards Dance Club or one of the weekly dances put on by BYUSA. It is a football game! Girls, stilettos are a dead give away that you cheated on the FPE and have confused the game with your upcoming whore activity. Failure to pass the FPE once will result in the loss of game attendance privileges; twice, the loss of televised game viewing privileges; and three times, your records will automatically be transferred to a Jr College, where a knowledge of football is not critical. I strongly urge those of you who need to, to study for the exam...You know who you are.