U.S. AMERICANS?

Perhaps the greatest television moment of 2007 took place this past week at the expense of Miss Teen South Carolina. During the question and answer portion of the pageant Miss Teen South Carolina was asked a question about Americans not being able to locate their own country on a map. Perhaps she thought a stupid question deserved an even stupider answer. What followed was a moment rarely seen on national television, typically reserved for frat houses where drunken unintelligible ramblings are common. Referring to the United States as "U.S. America" and its citizens as "U.S. Americans," Iraq as "The Iraq," just throw in a few "such as's," "therefores," and "as is's" and you have created perhaps the greatest answer ever. Miss Teen South Carolina also says that most Americans don't have access to maps; well she better hope so, or U.S. Americans are going to drive to her state and mock her to the degree she deserves. Miss Teen South Carolina has set a world's first as being the only person for whom NBC has asked Ozzy Osbourne to interpret. Is public school funding in South Carolina so sparse that they have been forced to remove English classes from their curriculum? But hey on the upside at least she is pretty because that is her only chance for succeeding in life. In the end I would like to thank Miss Teen South Carolina for personifying the stereotypes: blondes really are dumb and girls who enter pageants are pretty and stupid. Thank you. You have single-handedly set back pageants contestants 20 years, which is exactly where they belong because what they do is a joke.

Dog Norris?

Dog The Bounty Hunter is the personification of all Chuck Norris's fictional characters. Watching Dog The Bounty Hunter is like watching a real life episode of Walker Texas Ranger.

Similarities include, cowboy boots, dreamy hair, life changing talks with criminals, tight jeans and a sidekick that does all the dirty work. The question I pose is, Will Dog The Bounty Hunter one day pass Chuck Norris on the manliness scale? Is such a feat possible?

UFC......

Lately I have found myself obsessed with Ultimate Fighting or MMA. I can't turn the televison on without coming across it. UFC has become to Versus what "I love the 80's" and "8th Mile" are to Vh1, or what Sports Center is to ESPN. It's on all the freakin time and the worst part is I can't change the channel. It is like a really bad car wreck that you want to look away from but can't, therefore I end up watching it for hours. For me, Ultimate Fighting has become the new televised poker tournament: I get sucked in and hours later, I'm left wondering where my day has gone. Watching UFC is like going to a Prince concert: both are homoerotic to the max. One just has two scantily clad men beating the hell out of each other while rolling around on the floor while the other has one scantily clad man (sort of) writhing around on stage. I know it's trashy, but there is some primal man-trance I slip into when I watch Ultimate Fighting that speaks to my inner redneck.

The Unwritten Code.....

Today while out to dinner with my wife I used the men's restroom. It was a nice men's room, 3 urinals and 2 toilets a typical setup. I stepped up to the urinal closest to the wall and felt I had made the right decision when a gentlemen came in restroom and used the urinal directly next to me. Why? Who would do such a thing? As most men know there is an unwritten code pertaining to Men's restrooms and for those of you who don't, listen up!
1. No talking! No talking means no talking. There is to be no discussion in the men's room regardless, it doesn't matter if you reunite with a long lost friend or meet your idol. Don't talk in the Men's room, period.
2. When selecting a urinal never select one directly next to another individual that using a urinal. If there are 2 people using a 3 urinal setup and the middle is open don't use it opt for a toilet, or if someone has setup shop in the middle urinal use a toilet.
3. When using a urinal stare down or straight ahead, no looking to the side it is wrong and will everyone to think you are a pervert. And if you happen to break this rule don't talk just realize your mistake and correct it.
4. Flush the toilet or urinal. No one cares to see how dehydrated you are or what you ate the previous day.

Here is a Link to help drive my points home, It is a game in which you learn the art of selecting the proper urinal in a busy bathroom. Urinal Game

Fantasy Geeks

What has happened to America, two of the most awaited movie releases this summer were based on comic books, Toby McGuire was a superhero and sports fans nationwide have resorted to fantasy. Why? Fantasy is reserved for teenage boys that are "husky" and get picked last in PE for kickball, or grown men who will never be married and look like they should be having a conversation with Chris Hansen in a suburban Ohio kitchen on To Catch A Predator. Fantasy sports are just slightly above War Craft, Dungeons & Dragons and other Nerd Fantasy Games. With a name like fantasy football do participants receive bonus points when members of their team cast spells on other players or grow magical beards? When you sign up do you receive a magical wand in the mail (licensed by the NFL of course). Why do I constantly see commercials about fantasy sports on Television, what is going on? Is J K Rowling to blame? Did she lay the foundation to the perversion of the American jock by exposing the world to fantasy "but it is a cute book and it reads so fast." NERDS! Don't participate in fantasy sports or you will find yourself with a fantasy girlfriend raising your fantasy gigipet. Give me beer and Truck commercials on ESPN not fantasy be careful how you chose your commissioner commercials. Question does the fantasy commissioner receive a complementary "King of the nerds" t-shirt?

Rubber Justice.....

All you dog lovers out there I assume are in the same boat as myself, the USS Disgust with thousands of pounds of dog crap heading towards Michael Vick House (hopefully his cell soon) I am completely disgusted with Michael Vick for his participation in dog fighting and cruelty to animals. I was unaware he was Afghanistani where dog fighting is extremely popular, Idea if he wants to dog fight send him to the middle east we don't need him here anymore. I am amazed that he would treat dogs in such a manner because after watching his actions both on and off the field I thought he was a female dog, a B*** or at least he acts like one. Well, a wonderful person out there has come up with a Michael Vick Chew Toy (www.vickdogchewtoy.com) in which the proceeds go to help stop animal cruelty. I would get no greater satisfaction than watching my dog chew off good old number 7's head (if my dog were big and strong enough). Honestly words cannot even explain how disgusted I am with this guy. All I can say in between Mike Vick and Flavor Flav black people have been set back 50 years.

Ramblings.......

Here are a few things I feel strongly about.
1. Movie Theatre Clappers. Why must you clap at the end of a movie? Who are you clapping for? The actors are not going to make a curtain call. Should we have the pimple faced 17 year old come out who ran the projector so you can clap for him? Or Can we dangle the actual film in front of the screen to accept your applause? New idea, don't clap! Instead tell your friends how much you like the movie so they will go see it also.
2. Coffee Smell of 7 Eleven. I cannot go in that place without smelling like coffee for the entire day! I leave 7 Eleven every time with a complementary caffeine buzz via inhalation.
3. People who play their music loud while driving. I don't care to listen to Limp Bizkit, therefore I am not riding in your lifted 4x4 truck. Or did miss the official declaration making Mexican polka music cool? Man where have I been? What I love most is the rattling of your license plate drowning out your music caused by your excessive bass.
4. People Who Park Too Close to Your Car. Bottom line don't do it. If you park to close to my car, I will spit on your windshield every time!

5. Popped Collars. Why are people out there still popping their collars? Just because the mannequins collars are popped at the Buckle and Hollister does not mean it is actually a good fashion decision. Just a warning if you pop your collar you will be mocked and people may mistake your for a douchebag just look at these guys.