The Tale of The 4am Fools Sale, Starring the The Two Class Broads

If I were a pilot, this morning I would have earned my wings, or stripes or bars or gold stars or whatever you want to call them. My wife woke me up at 3:15am to go to Kohls, had I known what a treat it was going to be I may have been more positive on the ride up. When we arrived, there were hundreds of people lined up outside the store and it was about 29 degrees. As I stood there shivering I realized my type (men that had been suckered by there wives) were a rarity, replaced by overdressed and over peppy (for 4am) daughters. As I stood there freezing I decided to set up shop nearest the door that would allow me the straightest shot to the sheets we desperately sought. The women near me were foaming at the mouth waiting for the doors to open, I felt like I was about to be a part of a free crack give away in South Central Los Angeles.
The next thing I knew the door opened and yes I mean door, the door I had not chosen. My band luck quickly turned to good fortune as I was left standing next to two very classy broads while hordes of people looted the store like the Riots of 92. I stood at the door I had chosen hoping someone would open it up and I could grab my sheets are return home to tuck myself into them and continue my sleeping. But the two classy broads next to me had a different idea, apparently one thought if she chain-smoked at 4am the doors would magically open up like they did for Ali Baba, While the other thought if she pounded the door and shouted "Open the door you DIPSH*TS" over and over again her fellow shoppers would have pity on here souls and open the door. As it turns out they didn't, Surprise! Such a sight for 4am, the two classy broads were easily the highlight of the morning because Kohls did not have the sheets we wanted in stock but the salt to my early morning wound was that if the sheets were in stock they wouldn't even have been on sale. Valeri, now you know how much I love you, yeeeeeshk!

Under Armour, Lycra, Spandex, Oh My!

This is a public service announcement: Under Armor, Lycra and Spandex should only be worn by the athletes at the sporting event you are attending and should never touch your body unless you are on the field. Thank you.

Penny Denny Doo

So what’s manlier than a little white fluffy dog? I submit to you it’s a white fluffy dog that thinks she is Scooby Doo. That’s right Penny Doo the investigator. Whenever a sound is made in the house Penny needs to investigate; for example, the oven goes off and guess who comes arunning: it's Penny. I half expect her to throw on some little hot mitts and pull out whatever is baking. This is the same dog that must investigate every square inch of the yard before she goes to the bathroom. Any day I am expecting Valeri to drive up in a Neon Green and Purple van to drive us around in. I guess it makes me Shaggy and Valeri the hot chick in Scooby Doo. Well, it’s off to the next adventure.